10 April: Almost there!

Dear dairy I’ve neglected you again but on the brighter side, I’m here! Ops, sorry not sorry but what a busy period for me. Focusing on my school studies and just 10 more days till it is all over!!! Also having my presentation on this Thursday so I need all the luck and support from you guys ): Hahaha, I’ll just do my best and see how things go. I wanna finish my foundation studies and move on to diploma already, come on I can do this! At the same time also coping with my Coffee Master studies and this is very tiring and hard to balance. Altogether I have work and 2 things to study for, my school studies and Coffee Master studies. All of these is tiring as f*ck but I’m almost there, I can do it and I will.

And OH it’s already April and this is my first April post….. Time is passing really fast, I must be too busy living my life I didn’t keep track of the time at all! To think of it, I’m really speechless and shocked whenever I check the calendar because it feels like days are skipping….. I have no idea how to explain but time is just passing by too fast, so fast, super fast I can’t explain this feeling of how fast time is passing by…. Just OMG.

Priorities, so important to me but sometimes I just get really lazy and do shit like not doing shit at all. Get your shit together boy! And to all of you guys, all the best in what y’all doing and don’t give up, don’t ever give up. Persevere and you will see results, if you slack behind like me y’all gonna regret and time is not gonna slow down or rewind for you. Time is a sucky thing and we all have a love-hate relationship with it. Live your life right, don’t waste time doing nothing and make everyday productive! I’m still learning and on the way to becoming a better and more productive person. That’s why I’m juggling so many things like working and studying so many things at a go, trying my best to be productive but what I hope is I don’t fall from juggling because it is gonna be real shitty. But I always believed in myself and always believed that I can, so I’m gonna do this!!! Better days are coming, holidays are also coming so I have to do well and go through 2 more weeks of hell before the better days come. If you’re having a hard time, pull through it because you’ve come too far to quit, you’re almost there and you can do it LET’S GO!!!!

Lastly, emotions are fine these days. Just wanna share something today and that is to love yourself. Alright, imagine you have no money and you wanna give money. Same thing for love, you gotta love yourself before you can love the people around you. I’ve always worked for the “money” so that I can give it to whoever I want to give rather than working for myself, so whenever the person I wanna give the money to is gone, my purpose of working for money is gone too and then I’ll be broke. I’m not saying you can’t do that but it’s unhealthy to love when you have none to give. Loving yourself isn’t easy when you’re used to loving others more than yourself, but you have to truly love yourself before you can truly love others. I don’t wanna be broke when I’m all alone, I wanna work for myself and have that “money” for myself rather than just working to give it away. I’m learning and glad to share it with you guys.

Value yourselves people.

x

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25 March: Break Week

Hellllllllllo people, hello dear dairy. It took me awhile to be back here writing to you but damn. No excuses but I’ll explain myself. I’m tired and that’s not an excuse but I’m just tired. I went to Batam exactly a week ago. Had freaking fun there with all the drinks and wakeboarding but didn’t take many photos or anything, but memories last forever. I’ll have them in my head forever and I love having fun living the dream and being at somewhere worries doesn’t exist.

But damn, I was stuck in my fantasy. My horoscope is Pisces and that’s what we do every time, I dream too big and too much but I love the idea of it. Especially when I’m living it by going on a vacation and having short getaways, I tend to be stuck in the trip even when my ass is back home. And I always take a very long time to actually get back on my feet, be it falling down or coming back to face reality.

Brings me to another point is falling down and breaking down. Last few weeks haven’t been going very well for me mentally and physically with the exceptions of some days where I really had fun with my friends and family, my birthday of course. I was still hanging over about my birthday and now this Batam trip… I love days like that but me getting back up on my feet and facing reality takes a good week at least. Yea it had been real tiring for me so far and after the Batam trip, my body just couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t  just my mind playing with me but this time round my body was legit down. Broke down. Not to mention I was already mentally down and BOOM there I go. I died. This week was really tough for me but I’m back on my feet again. Thanks, and friends! I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually care about me but you guys did and I appreciate it so freaking much. Beautiful people y’all really touched my heart )’: Thank you all so so so so so so so so so so much again. So yea lets not talk about how down I was this week where I cried and broke down everywhere about some dream I had but couldn’t have it back, some fantasy, some fun.

Let’s talk about where I am today! I’m feeling better and I believe I will get better from now on! Really happy to have someone that motivates and helps me along, the thing is I had one all along but never really appreciated. But you know, we all make mistakes and I made mine, a painful one. Well, there is where I’ll actually learn and start appreciating. Appreciate everything and everyone even more now, used to always say I appreciate everything, but not really the right way. Mistakes are lessons learnt and I hope that I learn without making mistakes from now on because I made too many mistakes. I just wanna be happy and nice, to everyone and about everything. Missed school for so many days and thank freaking god I haven’t got a warning letter but I hope it stays that way because next week onwards NO MORE BULLSHIT from me. I really had enough of myself every single time saying the same thing but doing another, disappointing people again and yet again. I NEED to stop it. I am full of shit and I hate myself about it, I know about it but I’m not doing shit about it, isn’t that another shit about me? I go really hard on myself for many things but I don’t when it comes to myself, I let my lazy self take over me every time and dream all day. I really want to put that thought into action but I haven’t been doing it. So f*ck you Wayne, piece of shit better buck the f*ck up.

Gotta focus on my priorities, I have so much to do but so little time left. My school studies, Coffee Master, this dairy and my skinny ass. But this week I’ve been thinking about the things I really liked and would like to do again. Learn languages, pick up the guitar again and the ball life ): BASKETBALL! Would love to do it again but now is not the time, gotta focus on my 4 priorities for now. My school is a month away from exams and holiday so that is my first priority. My Coffee Master’s exam is on 20th April, second priority. This dairy and my bony body is my 3rd. The rest can wait and there are so many things I waaaaaaaaaaanna do but NOT NOW…..

Been whining and f*cking a lot of shit up this week and this shall stop. I will not let this Wayne take over me, I will stay motivated and hungry. I’m sure there are people that gave up on me, but I don’t blame any of them because I would’ve done the same too. I always learn & experience things the hard way so I actually dislike those who go easy on me because I’m used to having it the hard way so if you go easy on me I’ll simply take advantage of you and do shit to disappoint you again. I lost so many people’s trust and the only thing I can do now is to really do it instead of talking shit. But I hope I’ll learn it the easy way, I don’t wanna be so f*cked up anymore because the hard way hurts a lot.

On a side note, March is coming to an end ): My month is saying it’s farewell and only coming back next year while everyone is one step closer to their month and day. Really happy and thankful for the days I had fun, days that will never happen again. I’ll love the moment forever and remember it forever, it is sad to say goodbye to days like that but I have to. Every goodbye is sad because nothing guarantees another hello and for days like this, it is goodbye forever. I really hope to cherish every day as much as I could rather than letting time slip away. Been feeling sad about days ending because time isn’t slowing down at all for anyone, especially me. Time is ticking, everyone is ageing and dates are coming closer. We’ll meet new people, we’ll separate, we’ll be married one day without us even realising. We might just meet fate again. Live in the moment and cherish what you have, you never know what is happening next, life is unpredictable.

appreciative x

03 March: Counting Down!

Man, I apologise for mixing all the dates up but gotta write what I wanna write!!!! Went out at around 11pm to meet my boys, Shamen Shadiq Fernando and Caitlyn… And yea, Happy Birthday Shamen! So we went to Holland Village to have a little drink while I’m waiting to take the day over from Shamen. Funny how of all places, me and Shamen became friends in school and realised that he is also from Christ Church Secondary and his birthday a day before mine. So coincidental and cool man!!!

Everything felt so surreal, thinking about it. All these people I’ve only known for like 2 weeks? Celebrating my night for me.. So thankful for all the company. LOVED IT. Just a little appreciation post for these funny people, and also all those who send me birthday wishes also those who were on the dot, hyping me up on my day… Never felt so great in a long time and I hope everyday was like that. Just good vibes, no worries. I had a freaking blast for the whole 24 hours of 04/03/2017 thanks to every single one of you. I appreciate it so much I can’t even explain. Just wanna chill and let time freeze because I really loved it. 
Moving on from Holland Village, went touring around Singapore looking for clubs but we were too late hahaha, managed to get a Barcardi 151 shot at Fleek thanks for Shamen’s good friend that was bartending there, guess what he is also from Christ Church Secondary and I happen to be in the same batch as his younger brother. Is Singapore that small??? Went in for like 5 minutes and the party was over, but still had fun. 

This post won’t be too long but from all of these, I learned to appreciate what I have even more. What I lost and don’t have is no shit, what I have is what I should be contented and grateful for. So much regrets for not being able to understand this but I do now. Even more than ever, thank y’all SO SO SO SO much and y’all don’t know how freaking much I appreciate everything and everyone. Love you guys lots and until we meet again lovely people!

x

04 March: It’s my day!

Damn, it took me long enough to come back to my diary. So so sorry baby diary ): Lemme bring you around to see what’s up on my 18th B I R T H D A Y 2017!!!So this is actually the place where my birthday celebration was at. Damn I feel so happy and sad when leaving, D’Resort will always be a special place to me…. So on my birthday and throughout the preparation, I had a great and helpful friend name Valerie! The lady on my left, helped me out with so much shit and I started to call her Manager. So much credits to you girl, thank you so much for the help and I really appreciate a great nonsense friend like you…. Birthday party was great and thank you Valerie again!!!All my friends from Christ Church Secondary School, phew secondary school days passed so quickly I can’t keep up with it, and I AM 18 ALREADY!!!???

Family comes first, I’m very soft spoken at home and with family. Used to be the annoying little one but somehow I became really quiet. Maybe I’m more matured? Hmmm or just anti-social or rude….? I have no idea but for one thing I’m sure about is that I love my family, whatever I do or say, whether I show it or not, I really love and appreciate every single one of my family!!!!Here I have my buddies from Basketball Team Christ Church, secondary school life been all about basketball, without you guys Basketball wouldn’t be fun at all. Thankful for the trainings, bonding and hardship we been through together, appreciate and so so thankful again for all the time we spend hopelessly balling all day everyday. And this ones to our everlasting bond!!!!More funny classmates from Christ Church, gotta do a comparison of us when we first met and now. Feeling like a father seeing my kids grow up and facing life. Proud, thankful and appreciate this bunch of monks. Cheers to our friendship that is stupidly funny and days together we spent laughing our ass off doing stupid shit or talking about how we annoyed our teachers!!!!My Mummy, to be honest this one is all to her. Everything, my birthday. It is her that is everything, so thankful for my Mummy for always having my back even when I don’t tell her what’s going on, appreciate her so much but I was never one to show or tell her. I love her so much and it is because of her I’m celebrating my BIRTHday. On my birthday, I send her a text thanking and apologising for the trouble and pain of raising me up, she told me it was worth it (cry now? so f*cking touched and thankful). She is the reason why I am here today. Thank you Mummy and I love you so much!!!!My buddies that rocked my life up and under with stupidest jokes, one big family from different class, different school and different places. But we still got together. I guess fate brought as all together to be one big family. Can’t thank you guys enough for having my back but still thank you all!!!!My Starbucks workmates from my first store and current, work is always fun for me! So thankful that y’all didn’t give up tolerating my nonsense and actually laughed at my jokes!! Who knew working will bring me such nice and caring people that help me through tough times into my life, appreciate them so much!!!!Last but not least, these bunch of monkeys that stayed at the chalet after I f*cked up. Thank you all for staying and packing all the rubbish and my stuff, feels great to have so many servant for a day HAHAHA! I hope I didn’t miss out anyone in this section, a thousand apologies if I did. Appreciate every single one of you and love you all so so so so much!!!!

Man, I felt myself on my birthday. I love the day, not because of MY BIRTHDAY. But because I got to see every single one of you, my family, my friends, brothers and literally everyone. I felt so good with everyone around, everyone I can talk to and give a hug to. Seeing you all enjoy the food and friend meeting up after so long, I felt like I’ve done something great. This one is really for the big family = you guys, not for me (that’s how I feel). For all of you, my lovely fam. I was happy that I exchanged almost all of my money (for the chalet, food and everything) for what I’ve gotten on that day, company, care, love and rewinded time. Bringing all my friends back like how we used to hang out, catching up, showing some love here and there. So thankful, and appreciate it so damn much. It was freaking fun to have my friends and family all around and being able to spend time with every single one of you. I freaking appreciate the effort for those who came, also for those who wished me. I love that day again because of my mummy and you guys. All of you are my MVP but gotta let y’all know, my mummy still the bestest MVP. 

Also wanna apologise about how small the chalet is, heard that the food was good but didn’t get to eat so I hope it made up a little!! So sorry some had no place to sit…. Also sorry if it was messy and I was all over the place. Just know that I’m really happy you came and thankful, also know that I want to talk to you if I didn’t…. Was running all around. But I still freaking love you guys!!!! Really can’t explain how happy I was that night, and really sad that it is over….

If I missed out something, let me know and I will either update it in this post or the next one, thanks!

To many more times like this 

x

25 February: Dying from Exhaustion

Hey guuuuuuuuys, I’m still tired. I am very tired. I am exhausted and I am breaking down anytime now. I slept about 8 hours? But I’m exhausted af. I guess I’m just mentally tired and it affects me physically. Damn, I got loads of work to do man…. When can I stop feeling tired? When, how? God, I swear I’m doing my best to feel better but I’m tired!!! I have no idea what is draining all my energy, I can’t help but to feel tired, maybe it is all the changes that is affecting me mentally, hell yea I made changes in an instant but it’s tiring. I can go on writing about how tired I am but I think it’s time to type something nice for you guys to read (:

You guys can see the picture right? I’m excited for my birthday! It’s going to be a blast, I don’t really care about my birthday though.. What I’m excited about is to meet lots of my friends, friends since young and till now, friends from everywhere and basically all my friends. Would be really happy to see all of them because I genuinely love all of my friends! Such a lovely dude right? Hahaha I know. I have a thing for meet up sessions, like to bond and laugh and just spend time together like we once did. At one point of our life, we have certain groups of friend we do stupid stuff with. Wouldn’t it be great to bring all of them from different time to one place and hang out altogether? Not to forget my family members too! I just love the idea of seeing everyone I know and spending time together, it makes me happy.

So to all my friends that is looking at that cute little invitation card that I made myself kekeke, if you would like to come, you can come! On that day just come over and have fun! If you need anything just text me or give me a call, I’ll be sure to get you to where I am. Kinda excited kinda not because I’m stressed out. And when you got pimples to prove that you’re stress, YOU ARE. F*ck me, I hope this pimple gets off me before my birthday. I’m halfway done planning everything out but I am lost af. I feel like there is so much to do and so little time to do it. I know organizing things is a piece of cake for me but I’m just too tired to work everything out properly..

My mental health isn’t helping me with anything. It is just one word you guys already know, TIRED. Been so busy with improving on myself I couldn’t focus and multitask on much things now… It is because I got too much to improve on, I am a shitty person. That’s why there is so much to do about me and also why it is tiring af, I guess.

But I know I just need time time time. We all have our love-hate relationship with time but I am hating on time BIG TIME now. Been alright, going to school and eating better. But just couldn’t focus on anything else because I’m like all out on myself. I wanna be a better person and I know I can be. I’m a rushy guy, I can’t stand things undone. Maybe that’s why I’m stressing the hell out of myself but it is just me… I like to get things done immediately.

But just wanna take the time to thank god and appreciate what I’m blessed with. Ever since I went to the temple to pray, I learned and understand. I found peace within and felt better. I still have some feelings I shouldn’t have anymore though. But I found peace and understood everything, I gave it all to Gods above. Fate, my life or anything? Trust and leave it all to God. And live my life to the fullest and best-est (no such word but I like it). No point expecting or holding onto anything that is already gone, there’s nothing left to hold. I’m not sure if I’m doing things right or not by holding onto the fate I prayed for but I feel like I’m gonna get better this way and let you go easier, so why not? But a friend woke me up though, he said: yes there might be fate but what if fate to be just as a friend…… Okay cool….. I’m feeling better than before but not super good but we all started from somewhere right?

Alright my diary is getting sadder with every word I’m typing out so I guess that all right? Talked about my birthday, oh yea did I mentioned? It is exactly in a week time, this is so stressful but I know my party is gonna be lit!!!! Alright guys, thank you all again for reading and I appreciate you all, beautiful people (:

Adios!

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23 February: Oops

Hey guys guess what’s up? I made a big careless mistake hahahahaha! So right, I was going through or maybe stalking I would say on Instagram, and isn’t an Instagram story way more interesting than pictures? So I had been viewing this particular person’s Instagram story without knowing that the person could see that I’m actually viewing their story……. I just downloaded Instagram not even a week back, come on, spare me from this embarrassment…… Hahahaha, hopefully I didn’t affect anyone…. I’m such a loser but I stopped after knowing that I’ve been spotted long ago. Well o well, what a dummy I am. It never crossed my mind, I’m just too engrossed in viewing that story hahahaha but fine I should stop interfering someone else’s life.

Alright, was saying that I had a topic to talk about but it is really a very troublesome and long one and I can’t feel it today so…. sooner or later but not now alright. Sorry about that, I apologize

Today was another school day after 2 days of holiday, but I spent it working so not really a holiday. Gotta work hard for what I want. Be it money, knowledge or anything. If you think that success comes easy, you are not gonna get anywhere. It will definitely be hard and rough, you want it, you work for it. Simple right? But sad for see many of our generation is leaning towards the easy route. And depending on anyone they could find and help them with everything. I believe in being independent, sooner or later we have to be. Your mum isn’t gonna pay your taxes for you, YOU are the one going to do that. Glad that I am somehow independent, not very very independent but I would say a little. Not trying to show off or anything but I work hard to live the life I want. Not trying to act cool or anything but I pay for my phone bill and transport fare. Luxuries like new clothes and all? I pay them all by myself. I never liked the idea of getting money from my hardworking mum that is supporting the family, not just me. I know how hard it is to work, I know how easy it is to spend. And it hurts to see how many people are living off their parents and not thinking a bit for them at all. Who wouldn’t like to have a day out and spend all the want without looking at the price tags? But at the same time, your parents are looking at how much they are left with and how much more they have to earn to keep your fat*ss well fed with nice clothes and shelter at the same time, while you just spend their hard-earned money like water. Water that flows out of the tap and down the sink then gone forever.

After all this is my expectations of people of the same age. Expectation. Another big problem. Do you guys know that expectation is a huge humongous largest we have? No right? Now you know. Let me explain further. The other day I was reading through The Four Noble Truths, I learned. Life is not ideal, it frequently fails to live up to our expectations. Many of us are suffering because of our expectation about how life is going to be, how things are going to be and how everything should be.

This world and life, isn’t going to change it to the way we want it. We have to change and adapt to it. Our expectations are nothing but a piece of useless sh*t to the world. When you learn to stop expecting, you learn to stop suffering from sadness, disappointments and anger. Just do whatever you want, instead of expecting someone else to do it for you. And when they don’t do it, you get disappointed and hurt and you suffer. It’s your life, your choices and decisions, if that is what you want then go get what you want! No one is stopping you, even if there is, don’t let them! There is no such thing as fear unless you think it exist. To me, it doesn’t. It is a waste of time and a stupid thing. Don’t you guys think so? Fear of the judgement, expectation, people and society… You living for you right? So why bother?

I just learned all of these a few days back, glad to be sharing it with all of you guys. I’m not the wisest or oldest but I like sharing too so I do it because I want to. Thanks for reading guys, really appreciate all of ya!!

Thanks!

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21 February

Hi guys!!! How’s your day going? Fine? Not fine? Doesn’t matter, you will be fine. Time will help you to get back up on your feet and eventually you’ll be fine! Oh wait, only if you allow yourself to be fine, because your mindset matters most. It is all up to yourself, controlling your mind or let it control you.

Alright didn’t mean to be so serious but just sharing some words hahaha, chill out guys! I am very very sleepy but I couldn’t let myself sleep without completing my diary…. Actually I was writing halfway but I realized what I was writing is going to be a very long and deep topic/story so I decided to save it for tomorrow or the day after because I am not sober…. I am very sleepy and drunk, sleep drunk, not drunk, get it?

Okay cool moving on, today was really normal day for me. Went to work early in the morning, around 7am and all the way till 5pm. No idea why I am so tired today, just feeling sore everywhere and sleepy….. Was falling asleep awhile ago while writing the initial post for today but didn’t allow myself to do so because I have a diary to update. Not gonna be lazy or sloppy, I’m changing and will change. I sound so motivated right???? I am.

So after work I took the bus home and suddenly it started raining, YAY! I love the rain, I just love it. Even though the rain didn’t allow me to go home without getting drenched but I still love the rain. So instead of going home straight drenched I went to walk around, walking into shops to see if there’s anything I need. Had a lot of debate with myself, asking myself whether I really need it when I see something that interest me, super saver attitude guys do learn some of it from me to avoid bankruptcy hahaha. Didn’t get anything in the end because I have all my needs already so I went to have my dinner. Found a Thai stall, kinda shocked because I didn’t know when it appeared, I guess things really change and changes fast. So of course I had to try it right, ordered a plate of minced meat with rice, I’m sure there’s a name for that dish but I’m sorry I have no idea what is that dish’s name hahahaha. Enjoyed it, it was delicious for me. Who wouldn’t enjoy a plate of Thailand? Then before I went back home got like 2 packets or bread to prepare for breakfast. Said to be the most important meal of the day, b r e a k f a s t. Be sure to have your breakfast daily to avoid any funky gastric pain alright, be good listen to mama and have your breakfast hahahaha! Seriously though, I’m sure we are all rushing to work or school but just grab a piece of bread or something, it is better than nothing. I care for you guys alright, thank you if you do care for me too and I’m sorry if I mistaken that you care for me hahahaha. Take good care of yourselves and just be happy, don’t worry!

I find this a little pointless now because I’m not concentrating at all even though I’m trying my best. I feel like the content is getting real shitty. I should stop here for today…………. Sorry guys, just wasted like 5 minutes of your time reading this pointless post. But still appreciate you guys!!!

Jal Ja!