10 April: Almost there!

Dear dairy I’ve neglected you again but on the brighter side, I’m here! Ops, sorry not sorry but what a busy period for me. Focusing on my school studies and just 10 more days till it is all over!!! Also having my presentation on this Thursday so I need all the luck and support from you guys ): Hahaha, I’ll just do my best and see how things go. I wanna finish my foundation studies and move on to diploma already, come on I can do this! At the same time also coping with my Coffee Master studies and this is very tiring and hard to balance. Altogether I have work and 2 things to study for, my school studies and Coffee Master studies. All of these is tiring as f*ck but I’m almost there, I can do it and I will.

And OH it’s already April and this is my first April post….. Time is passing really fast, I must be too busy living my life I didn’t keep track of the time at all! To think of it, I’m really speechless and shocked whenever I check the calendar because it feels like days are skipping….. I have no idea how to explain but time is just passing by too fast, so fast, super fast I can’t explain this feeling of how fast time is passing by…. Just OMG.

Priorities, so important to me but sometimes I just get really lazy and do shit like not doing shit at all. Get your shit together boy! And to all of you guys, all the best in what y’all doing and don’t give up, don’t ever give up. Persevere and you will see results, if you slack behind like me y’all gonna regret and time is not gonna slow down or rewind for you. Time is a sucky thing and we all have a love-hate relationship with it. Live your life right, don’t waste time doing nothing and make everyday productive! I’m still learning and on the way to becoming a better and more productive person. That’s why I’m juggling so many things like working and studying so many things at a go, trying my best to be productive but what I hope is I don’t fall from juggling because it is gonna be real shitty. But I always believed in myself and always believed that I can, so I’m gonna do this!!! Better days are coming, holidays are also coming so I have to do well and go through 2 more weeks of hell before the better days come. If you’re having a hard time, pull through it because you’ve come too far to quit, you’re almost there and you can do it LET’S GO!!!!

Lastly, emotions are fine these days. Just wanna share something today and that is to love yourself. Alright, imagine you have no money and you wanna give money. Same thing for love, you gotta love yourself before you can love the people around you. I’ve always worked for the “money” so that I can give it to whoever I want to give rather than working for myself, so whenever the person I wanna give the money to is gone, my purpose of working for money is gone too and then I’ll be broke. I’m not saying you can’t do that but it’s unhealthy to love when you have none to give. Loving yourself isn’t easy when you’re used to loving others more than yourself, but you have to truly love yourself before you can truly love others. I don’t wanna be broke when I’m all alone, I wanna work for myself and have that “money” for myself rather than just working to give it away. I’m learning and glad to share it with you guys.

Value yourselves people.



25 March: Break Week

Hellllllllllo people, hello dear dairy. It took me awhile to be back here writing to you but damn. No excuses but I’ll explain myself. I’m tired and that’s not an excuse but I’m just tired. I went to Batam exactly a week ago. Had freaking fun there with all the drinks and wakeboarding but didn’t take many photos or anything, but memories last forever. I’ll have them in my head forever and I love having fun living the dream and being at somewhere worries doesn’t exist.

But damn, I was stuck in my fantasy. My horoscope is Pisces and that’s what we do every time, I dream too big and too much but I love the idea of it. Especially when I’m living it by going on a vacation and having short getaways, I tend to be stuck in the trip even when my ass is back home. And I always take a very long time to actually get back on my feet, be it falling down or coming back to face reality.

Brings me to another point is falling down and breaking down. Last few weeks haven’t been going very well for me mentally and physically with the exceptions of some days where I really had fun with my friends and family, my birthday of course. I was still hanging over about my birthday and now this Batam trip… I love days like that but me getting back up on my feet and facing reality takes a good week at least. Yea it had been real tiring for me so far and after the Batam trip, my body just couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t  just my mind playing with me but this time round my body was legit down. Broke down. Not to mention I was already mentally down and BOOM there I go. I died. This week was really tough for me but I’m back on my feet again. Thanks, and friends! I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually care about me but you guys did and I appreciate it so freaking much. Beautiful people y’all really touched my heart )’: Thank you all so so so so so so so so so so much again. So yea lets not talk about how down I was this week where I cried and broke down everywhere about some dream I had but couldn’t have it back, some fantasy, some fun.

Let’s talk about where I am today! I’m feeling better and I believe I will get better from now on! Really happy to have someone that motivates and helps me along, the thing is I had one all along but never really appreciated. But you know, we all make mistakes and I made mine, a painful one. Well, there is where I’ll actually learn and start appreciating. Appreciate everything and everyone even more now, used to always say I appreciate everything, but not really the right way. Mistakes are lessons learnt and I hope that I learn without making mistakes from now on because I made too many mistakes. I just wanna be happy and nice, to everyone and about everything. Missed school for so many days and thank freaking god I haven’t got a warning letter but I hope it stays that way because next week onwards NO MORE BULLSHIT from me. I really had enough of myself every single time saying the same thing but doing another, disappointing people again and yet again. I NEED to stop it. I am full of shit and I hate myself about it, I know about it but I’m not doing shit about it, isn’t that another shit about me? I go really hard on myself for many things but I don’t when it comes to myself, I let my lazy self take over me every time and dream all day. I really want to put that thought into action but I haven’t been doing it. So f*ck you Wayne, piece of shit better buck the f*ck up.

Gotta focus on my priorities, I have so much to do but so little time left. My school studies, Coffee Master, this dairy and my skinny ass. But this week I’ve been thinking about the things I really liked and would like to do again. Learn languages, pick up the guitar again and the ball life ): BASKETBALL! Would love to do it again but now is not the time, gotta focus on my 4 priorities for now. My school is a month away from exams and holiday so that is my first priority. My Coffee Master’s exam is on 20th April, second priority. This dairy and my bony body is my 3rd. The rest can wait and there are so many things I waaaaaaaaaaanna do but NOT NOW…..

Been whining and f*cking a lot of shit up this week and this shall stop. I will not let this Wayne take over me, I will stay motivated and hungry. I’m sure there are people that gave up on me, but I don’t blame any of them because I would’ve done the same too. I always learn & experience things the hard way so I actually dislike those who go easy on me because I’m used to having it the hard way so if you go easy on me I’ll simply take advantage of you and do shit to disappoint you again. I lost so many people’s trust and the only thing I can do now is to really do it instead of talking shit. But I hope I’ll learn it the easy way, I don’t wanna be so f*cked up anymore because the hard way hurts a lot.

On a side note, March is coming to an end ): My month is saying it’s farewell and only coming back next year while everyone is one step closer to their month and day. Really happy and thankful for the days I had fun, days that will never happen again. I’ll love the moment forever and remember it forever, it is sad to say goodbye to days like that but I have to. Every goodbye is sad because nothing guarantees another hello and for days like this, it is goodbye forever. I really hope to cherish every day as much as I could rather than letting time slip away. Been feeling sad about days ending because time isn’t slowing down at all for anyone, especially me. Time is ticking, everyone is ageing and dates are coming closer. We’ll meet new people, we’ll separate, we’ll be married one day without us even realising. We might just meet fate again. Live in the moment and cherish what you have, you never know what is happening next, life is unpredictable.

appreciative x

25 February: Dying from Exhaustion

Hey guuuuuuuuys, I’m still tired. I am very tired. I am exhausted and I am breaking down anytime now. I slept about 8 hours? But I’m exhausted af. I guess I’m just mentally tired and it affects me physically. Damn, I got loads of work to do man…. When can I stop feeling tired? When, how? God, I swear I’m doing my best to feel better but I’m tired!!! I have no idea what is draining all my energy, I can’t help but to feel tired, maybe it is all the changes that is affecting me mentally, hell yea I made changes in an instant but it’s tiring. I can go on writing about how tired I am but I think it’s time to type something nice for you guys to read (:

You guys can see the picture right? I’m excited for my birthday! It’s going to be a blast, I don’t really care about my birthday though.. What I’m excited about is to meet lots of my friends, friends since young and till now, friends from everywhere and basically all my friends. Would be really happy to see all of them because I genuinely love all of my friends! Such a lovely dude right? Hahaha I know. I have a thing for meet up sessions, like to bond and laugh and just spend time together like we once did. At one point of our life, we have certain groups of friend we do stupid stuff with. Wouldn’t it be great to bring all of them from different time to one place and hang out altogether? Not to forget my family members too! I just love the idea of seeing everyone I know and spending time together, it makes me happy.

So to all my friends that is looking at that cute little invitation card that I made myself kekeke, if you would like to come, you can come! On that day just come over and have fun! If you need anything just text me or give me a call, I’ll be sure to get you to where I am. Kinda excited kinda not because I’m stressed out. And when you got pimples to prove that you’re stress, YOU ARE. F*ck me, I hope this pimple gets off me before my birthday. I’m halfway done planning everything out but I am lost af. I feel like there is so much to do and so little time to do it. I know organizing things is a piece of cake for me but I’m just too tired to work everything out properly..

My mental health isn’t helping me with anything. It is just one word you guys already know, TIRED. Been so busy with improving on myself I couldn’t focus and multitask on much things now… It is because I got too much to improve on, I am a shitty person. That’s why there is so much to do about me and also why it is tiring af, I guess.

But I know I just need time time time. We all have our love-hate relationship with time but I am hating on time BIG TIME now. Been alright, going to school and eating better. But just couldn’t focus on anything else because I’m like all out on myself. I wanna be a better person and I know I can be. I’m a rushy guy, I can’t stand things undone. Maybe that’s why I’m stressing the hell out of myself but it is just me… I like to get things done immediately.

But just wanna take the time to thank god and appreciate what I’m blessed with. Ever since I went to the temple to pray, I learned and understand. I found peace within and felt better. I still have some feelings I shouldn’t have anymore though. But I found peace and understood everything, I gave it all to Gods above. Fate, my life or anything? Trust and leave it all to God. And live my life to the fullest and best-est (no such word but I like it). No point expecting or holding onto anything that is already gone, there’s nothing left to hold. I’m not sure if I’m doing things right or not by holding onto the fate I prayed for but I feel like I’m gonna get better this way and let you go easier, so why not? But a friend woke me up though, he said: yes there might be fate but what if fate to be just as a friend…… Okay cool….. I’m feeling better than before but not super good but we all started from somewhere right?

Alright my diary is getting sadder with every word I’m typing out so I guess that all right? Talked about my birthday, oh yea did I mentioned? It is exactly in a week time, this is so stressful but I know my party is gonna be lit!!!! Alright guys, thank you all again for reading and I appreciate you all, beautiful people (:


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20 February: A New Start

Hello people! Can’t believe I’m blogging again. Writing/typing helps. And I totally need this help so why not and at the same time we can talk about the experiences we’ve been through and help each other out with all the problems life have been throwing at us. Blogging is like keeping a diary, which is cool! Hopefully this time my diary never stops updating so one day when I’m older, I can read my book of life.

Today is the 20th! This date represents a new beginning to me for many reasons, like how today is my first day of school and how I decided to surface on social media again… There’s a few deeper reasons and secrets behind this date that I’m not gonna share, maybe one day? I don’t know, hahaha sorry guys.

I wanna be truthful and write down all my raw thoughts here, I wanna open up and will need time to do so, but please understand that there are things that are sensitive and things I don’t feel comfortable sharing so yea… Hope y’all understand but after all I would really like to open up because this is my diary, I wanna write down everything I’m feeling and doing so I could really reminisce when I’m older and reading back.

Alright here goes, how is everyone doing? I’m not doing good honestly but it’s fine hahaha, feeling really restless & busy recently. That’s great for me because I really need to keep my mind off somethings and some people. Alright I’ll just talk about it, but first, to whom it concerns, I really hope you don’t get offended in any way that I’m sharing my heartbreak story, no intentions of provoking anyone in any way, thank you and sorry. Alright moving on, I’m sad guys. I don’t normally open up, but for this situation I know that I have to because the consequences will be dire if I don’t, I know it and it’s dangerous. I used to run, as fast as possible and as far as possible until it is solved, then I will be back. Irresponsible right? I learn and realized, somewhere somehow I lost my way in life, I became irresponsible, arrogant, bad-tempered, rude, materialistic… All the bad things you name it I have it… Distractions and temptations that everyone knows about seems to be a small thing, until you fall into it and become LITERALLY stupid. And I became stupid, maybe even blind. I fell and I didn’t know, I thought I was right all along when I was wrong. I couldn’t hear anyone else but myself. Self-centered. I became a bad person and I couldn’t figure it out why is everything so different, I thought everything was alright but I’m not, it was me all along. That’s how bad I was, doing something wrong and yet not knowing. Eventually falling to the lowest point where I didn’t know why everything crumbled and tumbled. Curious, confused and just passing time for the sake of life. I swear that if I knew about that, if I knew that I was that F up and was in the wrong, I wouldn’t continue. When someone is in the wrong and thinks that it’s right, sometimes it is just because the person didn’t know what he was doing is wrong and mistaken the wrong for right… That’s why naturally I would keep doing the wrong things because I thought it was right! I still find it stupid because I often reflect on myself and all but not enough for me to realize all this? I guess I need more reflections then..

I checked on the person I broke up with quite often and I don’t say anything about that. I’m secretive and insecure, I know if someone knows my weakness I will be made fun of for that particular matter or any other. But I learn to open up, build up my self-confidence and esteem.. Ignore the expectations of anybody and judgments.. I really don’t care anymore. I just wanna be who I am, say what I say and do what I do. I love this girl and I love her. I didn’t know nothing about love. Until I became so desperate I started reading articles, stories and watch videos about love. I understand now. Understanding when it is all too late sucks. I can’t do anything. Everything felt really really weird and the feeling got stronger and so strong I started checking on her constantly, seeing her happy and better.. with someone else woke me up INSTANTLY. All my confusions and questions were concluded and answered. It was her, all this while it was her and always been her. I reflected hard, I tried to do anything that will bring her back but it is too late.. So late. I was so desperate I wanted just a little pity or sympathy from her, enough for me to be happy and at least for a while. I didn’t care how others are gonna look at me or judge me, I was doing it for what I really wanted. I knew that doing anything now will only ruin her happiness but I told myself to be selfish for one last time for something I really really would do anything for. But reality is great, reality sucks too. Reality was great when I had her by my side but it sucks that she’s done and over. I like how she doesn’t sugarcoat anything so I would stop pestering her, but you know everything, word and reply I got was good enough for me, anything is good enough. And straight to my face for all my wrongdoings. Things I swear I really didn’t know. I was THAT distracted, to the point I didn’t know any sh*t I was giving. When I woke up from all my bullsh*t, I was sorry and very extremely sorry. Up till today, I will still be sorry.

I know how things should be once it is over, but I made it different again. Doing things I’m not supposed to do, always letting my emotions control my mind. I’m sorry again and will always be sorry. I know that even if I got to talk to you, it would be nothing to you and temporary happiness for me. But I still appreciative, grateful & thankful for it, even though I messed up your life once again, I’m sorry and really sorry. I somewhat know how to deal with a break up, I took the advice I would give any broken couples to comfort myself. It works like for… at most few minutes? My emotions were really f*cked up to that point of overtaking my body physically and mentally. Feeling cold, hard to breathe, feeling sick and totally no appetite to eat. I went to watch comfort videos for break ups on YouTube, goes into search would be something like “how to deal with break up” and I will be watching and trying my best to get every single word that I already know but still hoping for the video to tell me I still got hope with you, but it was never going to happen. For one thing that I couldn’t stand is time. We all know time is the main ingredient for recovery.

For the very first time, I’m straight up facing this problem that I have rather than running, I will change the fact that I’m always running away. And hell yea this is one big problem in my life to face. All was mistakes and toxic, not sure why you’re in love with that word, maybe because it is used best to describe me, someone who really hurt you that much. I’m still sorry and will take all the blame. I would say it again and again that it is my fault and I deserve any treatment from you and people who were right about me all along. Hopes of you hearing me out will always be alive, even if it is not for relationship purposes.. Just for understanding.

Things were somehow over after the last time we talk, I was expecting the end sooner or later.. Somehow prepared somehow not, but things got a little bit better. I stood up and made changes I had to and I’m motivated to strive for great things in life. I know it’s silly but I really do hope for fate to do its thing again in the future. Been keeping in touch with myself spiritually and prayed to God for your smooth sailing endeavors, safety and also for everyone you love around you in exchange for one of my bad addiction. I will always be here for you anytime you need me, caring & worrying for your safety, health, well-being and supporting you but I hope it is not visible to you because I’m afraid it might just affect you. I will move on for now and focus of myself and will keep improving myself. Just wanna thank you and like to stand corrected, millions of thank you’s isn’t enough to express my gratitude to you and millions of I’m sorry will never be able for you to see how pathetically regretful and guilty I am.. I just want you to know that you were the greatest thing that happened, keep being yourself because you are amazing just the way you are, I’m sure there are many that will appreciate you and if it even matters I really appreciate your existence in my life and world.

Thank you