25 March: Break Week

Hellllllllllo people, hello dear dairy. It took me awhile to be back here writing to you but damn. No excuses but I’ll explain myself. I’m tired and that’s not an excuse but I’m just tired. I went to Batam exactly a week ago. Had freaking fun there with all the drinks and wakeboarding but didn’t take many photos or anything, but memories last forever. I’ll have them in my head forever and I love having fun living the dream and being at somewhere worries doesn’t exist.

But damn, I was stuck in my fantasy. My horoscope is Pisces and that’s what we do every time, I dream too big and too much but I love the idea of it. Especially when I’m living it by going on a vacation and having short getaways, I tend to be stuck in the trip even when my ass is back home. And I always take a very long time to actually get back on my feet, be it falling down or coming back to face reality.

Brings me to another point is falling down and breaking down. Last few weeks haven’t been going very well for me mentally and physically with the exceptions of some days where I really had fun with my friends and family, my birthday of course. I was still hanging over about my birthday and now this Batam trip… I love days like that but me getting back up on my feet and facing reality takes a good week at least. Yea it had been real tiring for me so far and after the Batam trip, my body just couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t  just my mind playing with me but this time round my body was legit down. Broke down. Not to mention I was already mentally down and BOOM there I go. I died. This week was really tough for me but I’m back on my feet again. Thanks, and friends! I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually care about me but you guys did and I appreciate it so freaking much. Beautiful people y’all really touched my heart )’: Thank you all so so so so so so so so so so much again. So yea lets not talk about how down I was this week where I cried and broke down everywhere about some dream I had but couldn’t have it back, some fantasy, some fun.

Let’s talk about where I am today! I’m feeling better and I believe I will get better from now on! Really happy to have someone that motivates and helps me along, the thing is I had one all along but never really appreciated. But you know, we all make mistakes and I made mine, a painful one. Well, there is where I’ll actually learn and start appreciating. Appreciate everything and everyone even more now, used to always say I appreciate everything, but not really the right way. Mistakes are lessons learnt and I hope that I learn without making mistakes from now on because I made too many mistakes. I just wanna be happy and nice, to everyone and about everything. Missed school for so many days and thank freaking god I haven’t got a warning letter but I hope it stays that way because next week onwards NO MORE BULLSHIT from me. I really had enough of myself every single time saying the same thing but doing another, disappointing people again and yet again. I NEED to stop it. I am full of shit and I hate myself about it, I know about it but I’m not doing shit about it, isn’t that another shit about me? I go really hard on myself for many things but I don’t when it comes to myself, I let my lazy self take over me every time and dream all day. I really want to put that thought into action but I haven’t been doing it. So f*ck you Wayne, piece of shit better buck the f*ck up.

Gotta focus on my priorities, I have so much to do but so little time left. My school studies, Coffee Master, this dairy and my skinny ass. But this week I’ve been thinking about the things I really liked and would like to do again. Learn languages, pick up the guitar again and the ball life ): BASKETBALL! Would love to do it again but now is not the time, gotta focus on my 4 priorities for now. My school is a month away from exams and holiday so that is my first priority. My Coffee Master’s exam is on 20th April, second priority. This dairy and my bony body is my 3rd. The rest can wait and there are so many things I waaaaaaaaaaanna do but NOT NOW…..

Been whining and f*cking a lot of shit up this week and this shall stop. I will not let this Wayne take over me, I will stay motivated and hungry. I’m sure there are people that gave up on me, but I don’t blame any of them because I would’ve done the same too. I always learn & experience things the hard way so I actually dislike those who go easy on me because I’m used to having it the hard way so if you go easy on me I’ll simply take advantage of you and do shit to disappoint you again. I lost so many people’s trust and the only thing I can do now is to really do it instead of talking shit. But I hope I’ll learn it the easy way, I don’t wanna be so f*cked up anymore because the hard way hurts a lot.

On a side note, March is coming to an end ): My month is saying it’s farewell and only coming back next year while everyone is one step closer to their month and day. Really happy and thankful for the days I had fun, days that will never happen again. I’ll love the moment forever and remember it forever, it is sad to say goodbye to days like that but I have to. Every goodbye is sad because nothing guarantees another hello and for days like this, it is goodbye forever. I really hope to cherish every day as much as I could rather than letting time slip away. Been feeling sad about days ending because time isn’t slowing down at all for anyone, especially me. Time is ticking, everyone is ageing and dates are coming closer. We’ll meet new people, we’ll separate, we’ll be married one day without us even realising. We might just meet fate again. Live in the moment and cherish what you have, you never know what is happening next, life is unpredictable.

appreciative x