20 February: A New Start

Hello people! Can’t believe I’m blogging again. Writing/typing helps. And I totally need this help so why not and at the same time we can talk about the experiences we’ve been through and help each other out with all the problems life have been throwing at us. Blogging is like keeping a diary, which is cool! Hopefully this time my diary never stops updating so one day when I’m older, I can read my book of life.

Today is the 20th! This date represents a new beginning to me for many reasons, like how today is my first day of school and how I decided to surface on social media again… There’s a few deeper reasons and secrets behind this date that I’m not gonna share, maybe one day? I don’t know, hahaha sorry guys.

I wanna be truthful and write down all my raw thoughts here, I wanna open up and will need time to do so, but please understand that there are things that are sensitive and things I don’t feel comfortable sharing so yea… Hope y’all understand but after all I would really like to open up because this is my diary, I wanna write down everything I’m feeling and doing so I could really reminisce when I’m older and reading back.

Alright here goes, how is everyone doing? I’m not doing good honestly but it’s fine hahaha, feeling really restless & busy recently. That’s great for me because I really need to keep my mind off somethings and some people. Alright I’ll just talk about it, but first, to whom it concerns, I really hope you don’t get offended in any way that I’m sharing my heartbreak story, no intentions of provoking anyone in any way, thank you and sorry. Alright moving on, I’m sad guys. I don’t normally open up, but for this situation I know that I have to because the consequences will be dire if I don’t, I know it and it’s dangerous. I used to run, as fast as possible and as far as possible until it is solved, then I will be back. Irresponsible right? I learn and realized, somewhere somehow I lost my way in life, I became irresponsible, arrogant, bad-tempered, rude, materialistic… All the bad things you name it I have it… Distractions and temptations that everyone knows about seems to be a small thing, until you fall into it and become LITERALLY stupid. And I became stupid, maybe even blind. I fell and I didn’t know, I thought I was right all along when I was wrong. I couldn’t hear anyone else but myself. Self-centered. I became a bad person and I couldn’t figure it out why is everything so different, I thought everything was alright but I’m not, it was me all along. That’s how bad I was, doing something wrong and yet not knowing. Eventually falling to the lowest point where I didn’t know why everything crumbled and tumbled. Curious, confused and just passing time for the sake of life. I swear that if I knew about that, if I knew that I was that F up and was in the wrong, I wouldn’t continue. When someone is in the wrong and thinks that it’s right, sometimes it is just because the person didn’t know what he was doing is wrong and mistaken the wrong for right… That’s why naturally I would keep doing the wrong things because I thought it was right! I still find it stupid because I often reflect on myself and all but not enough for me to realize all this? I guess I need more reflections then..

I checked on the person I broke up with quite often and I don’t say anything about that. I’m secretive and insecure, I know if someone knows my weakness I will be made fun of for that particular matter or any other. But I learn to open up, build up my self-confidence and esteem.. Ignore the expectations of anybody and judgments.. I really don’t care anymore. I just wanna be who I am, say what I say and do what I do. I love this girl and I love her. I didn’t know nothing about love. Until I became so desperate I started reading articles, stories and watch videos about love. I understand now. Understanding when it is all too late sucks. I can’t do anything. Everything felt really really weird and the feeling got stronger and so strong I started checking on her constantly, seeing her happy and better.. with someone else woke me up INSTANTLY. All my confusions and questions were concluded and answered. It was her, all this while it was her and always been her. I reflected hard, I tried to do anything that will bring her back but it is too late.. So late. I was so desperate I wanted just a little pity or sympathy from her, enough for me to be happy and at least for a while. I didn’t care how others are gonna look at me or judge me, I was doing it for what I really wanted. I knew that doing anything now will only ruin her happiness but I told myself to be selfish for one last time for something I really really would do anything for. But reality is great, reality sucks too. Reality was great when I had her by my side but it sucks that she’s done and over. I like how she doesn’t sugarcoat anything so I would stop pestering her, but you know everything, word and reply I got was good enough for me, anything is good enough. And straight to my face for all my wrongdoings. Things I swear I really didn’t know. I was THAT distracted, to the point I didn’t know any sh*t I was giving. When I woke up from all my bullsh*t, I was sorry and very extremely sorry. Up till today, I will still be sorry.

I know how things should be once it is over, but I made it different again. Doing things I’m not supposed to do, always letting my emotions control my mind. I’m sorry again and will always be sorry. I know that even if I got to talk to you, it would be nothing to you and temporary happiness for me. But I still appreciative, grateful & thankful for it, even though I messed up your life once again, I’m sorry and really sorry. I somewhat know how to deal with a break up, I took the advice I would give any broken couples to comfort myself. It works like for… at most few minutes? My emotions were really f*cked up to that point of overtaking my body physically and mentally. Feeling cold, hard to breathe, feeling sick and totally no appetite to eat. I went to watch comfort videos for break ups on YouTube, goes into search would be something like “how to deal with break up” and I will be watching and trying my best to get every single word that I already know but still hoping for the video to tell me I still got hope with you, but it was never going to happen. For one thing that I couldn’t stand is time. We all know time is the main ingredient for recovery.

For the very first time, I’m straight up facing this problem that I have rather than running, I will change the fact that I’m always running away. And hell yea this is one big problem in my life to face. All was mistakes and toxic, not sure why you’re in love with that word, maybe because it is used best to describe me, someone who really hurt you that much. I’m still sorry and will take all the blame. I would say it again and again that it is my fault and I deserve any treatment from you and people who were right about me all along. Hopes of you hearing me out will always be alive, even if it is not for relationship purposes.. Just for understanding.

Things were somehow over after the last time we talk, I was expecting the end sooner or later.. Somehow prepared somehow not, but things got a little bit better. I stood up and made changes I had to and I’m motivated to strive for great things in life. I know it’s silly but I really do hope for fate to do its thing again in the future. Been keeping in touch with myself spiritually and prayed to God for your smooth sailing endeavors, safety and also for everyone you love around you in exchange for one of my bad addiction. I will always be here for you anytime you need me, caring & worrying for your safety, health, well-being and supporting you but I hope it is not visible to you because I’m afraid it might just affect you. I will move on for now and focus of myself and will keep improving myself. Just wanna thank you and like to stand corrected, millions of thank you’s isn’t enough to express my gratitude to you and millions of I’m sorry will never be able for you to see how pathetically regretful and guilty I am.. I just want you to know that you were the greatest thing that happened, keep being yourself because you are amazing just the way you are, I’m sure there are many that will appreciate you and if it even matters I really appreciate your existence in my life and world.

Thank you

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s